So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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