last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize