Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
