New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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