Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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