I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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