Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
