I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
