I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
