Michael Bay diarrhea
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize