hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
