proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize