I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
