Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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