She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize