dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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