So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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