She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
