I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
