If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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