Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Randomize
