my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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