Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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