girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You made out with two different species that night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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