just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
