note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
