Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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