Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
