My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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