life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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