I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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