My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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