new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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