Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize