i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
