Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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