Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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