you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
