I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
