My friends, they love my intelligence
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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