Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I deserve this hangover.
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