he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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