Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
