I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
