woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize