i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize