What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
