girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
