My friends, they love my intelligence
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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