My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
