Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize