is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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