the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
