Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
