I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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