totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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