Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
ttyl tear gas
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
