The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
