sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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