You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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