dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
