New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just want nice things and good sex
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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