Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
