I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
