I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
