don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
