Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
