she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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